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Sam-isms

Anecdotes found within Iman Eko's private notes.

- Today he ordered a drink I couldn't pronounce with so many components to it, I don't remember if there was even coffee involved.

- Earlier, he asked if I had been scuba diving, and then laughed when I didn't know what was so funny about how I pronounced snorkel.

- Sometimes, when he sleeps, he hums the Stranger Things theme song.

- I cried when it started snowing, and again when he thought it was funny to buy me a snow cone.

- He calls me "Love", which I thought was a term of affection, but then he called his dry cleaner, the server, the barista, the personal trainer, and his chauffeur "Love" as well. I am confused.

- He eats pork.

- I think while I was sleeping, he bit my butt, because there is a rather large mark there in the shape of his teeth. Don't ask how I have guesstimated what his teeth look like.

- On occasion, I catch him watching the Food Network, but when he realizes I'm there, he quickly changes the channel and acts asleep.

- He doesn't understand why I don't drink, so when we visit a club or a pub together, he tries to trick me into having a cocktail. (Water isn't lime green, Sam.)

- He doesn't shy away when I flash him my cleavage... I think he likes me.

- Note to self: Remember to check his size in case it is possible to steal any of the following - His shoes, his ties, his blazers, his dress shirts, his slacks. Possibly his boxers.

- I am disgusted and admittedly curious about what they consider tea in this country.

- There was a goat in the street. A real. Live. Goat.

- I can't even get a pedicure without him calling. Twice. HE DROPPED ME OFF! WHERE DOES HE THINK I'M GOING TO GO???

- When I'm in a suit and tie, I make for such a sharp dressed man. It's hardly any wonder that Ana, from the lobby, has a crush on me.
Update: I'm not supposed to speak with Ana, from the lobby, anymore while I'm a man.
Update: Sam wanted an emergency cuddle. We spent three hours lying on the carpet in his office.
Update: Anal.

- Sam refuses to eat cereal, stating, 'It was ruined by that midget bastard stereotype.' I thought he meant Captain Crunch. I have since been corrected.

- Why does he like this Haggis filth??? IT IS SO GROSS!

- He told me there were stars in my eyes... And then proceeded to blow his load on my face.

- Sam said I needed to stop saying "No homo" when we were most certainly doing homo things.

- Sam doesn't like when I sing Mr. Brightside by The Killers while I'm fucking him. I think he needs to loosen up. Wink wonk.

- Our trip to Disneyland was a success. At least, that was until Sam got piss drunk and went nine rounds with the actor portraying Genie from Aladin. To quote Sam, he said: "This is fer all yer fookin' sloots on te side, an fer breakin' Iman's heart- Wot kinda man are ye?!' Suffice to say, I felt avenged.
Update: We're banned from Disneyland.

- Newsflash: Rabban Trejhobek bankrupted. Sam: I'm not bloody surprised.

- Sam showed up at my apartment sometime around 2 am, soaking wet from the rain and drunker than I've ever seen him. He asked for peanut butter. I told him I don't eat peanut butter so I didn't have any. He settled for Nutella on a spoon.

[spoiler]"The kitchen," he said abruptly with a prominent slur of his Irish accent, "is always fuckin' empty. Don'cha eat?"

"I have plenty to eat, Sir," Iman commented, motioning to the granola bars still on the counter where she kept them near her protein powder. "Plenty."

"Goddamn, rabbit food!"

"Rabbits don't drink protein shakes," Iman argued, but to no avail, as Sam had already decided otherwise.

"Ye haven't got anything good in this whole damned place! Not even peanut butter, mercy be on ye, Iman!"

"Ugh." Rubbing the bridge of her nose while she considered her options, Iman finally resigned herself to finding a spoon, and after a moment of preparation held the now slathered utensil toward her employer. "Will Nutella work?"

"Ah, it's not the same!" He said in exasperation, even as he took the spoon and proceeded to eat the Nutella. "Mm- Ain' right not havin'- mm- peanut butter-"[/spoiler]