Squad Goals & Cocktales
Featuring Owen | Holland |Kent | Renton | and many fuck words
Featuring Owen | Holland |Kent | Renton | and many fuck words
The notorious squad–consisting of Holland, the forensic scientist; Owen, the assassin; Renton, the tech / AV guy; and Kent, the combat instructor–had weekly tradition of binge drinking episodes. The men came together to share their latest “cocktale,” get blackout drunk, and challenge each other in darts or billiards or poker.
While Owen was occupied with stepping up to the darts line and taking careful aim, behind him Kent was dumping an extra shot in the unsuspecting man’s drink. This procedure had been going on all evening and Owen's blood alcohol level was rising to a critical level. The critical level between innocuous hypomanic stumbling drunk and complete incomprehensible sloppiness with a potential for violence.
The squad schemed against Owen that night. They suspected something something strange was going on in his private life. Though normally eager to brag about his cock's latest adventures, Owen had been tight lipped for weeks now. Holed up in his house. Missed a binge drinking episode. Was oddly distracted and preoccupied with something. Or someone. Owen claimed he was simply being a ‘good boy’ with his girlfriend at the time. But that was bullshit because the girlfriend in question went away for work for weeks and months at a time. She simply wasn’t around.
They were determined to get the truth.
Even if that sort of meant getting their friend absolutely fucked without his consent.
“So would you rather have poison ivy dick for one month or have to have sex once with a cat? Any big cat, like a tiger.” Posed Holland. Since nobody had any cocktales, they tossed around stupid ‘would you rather’ questions during lulls in the conversation.
“Poison ivy.” Answered Kent without delay.
As ‘dittos’ made the rounds among the others, Owen blurted: “Definitely fuck the cat.” His dart flew strong and true...right into the bottom of the board. He staggered back laughing, “well that’s embarrassing,” as if he hadn’t said anything strange at all.
The others shared looks of surprise behind Owen’s back. Not surprise about his drunken shoddy dart aiming but about the cat fucking.
“You’d fuck like... a panther or tiger or some shit?” Queried Renton.
Owen sipped at his drink. His face was somewhat flushed from the alcohol and grey eyes radiant. He was solidly in the Owen-exhilarated-intoxicated stage. He was excited. Maybe even a little giddy. It was admittedly a good look for the normally icy man. Like the warmth of the sun on a snowy day.
“Cats can be hot! You know what I mean?” Owen very enthusiastically supported his earlier conclusions. He didn’t register the hesitation of the others to agree with him.
Renton choked back his own drink in surprise. Kent and Holland shared a look. “He’s fucked up,” someone muttered.
Renton stared incredulously at Owen, “No. I don’t understand what you mean. I'm officially convinced that you would literally stick your dick in anything.”
The other men nodded their agreement. It was true.
Owen folded his arms loosely over his chest. He actually might have been offended. “You don’t even know who I’ve been fucking, so fuck--” he hiccuped, “--you.” He then slammed back the rest of his drink and let the glass fall with a clink to the table.
“Or what you fuck apparently.” Kent muttered as he took aim at the darts board.
Owen looked genuinely hurt in that drunk sort of way where the muscles of the face were already kind of slack. Like a clownish sort of dejection. “I mean what’s wrong with a sexy cat? ‘Scuse me for having an open mind.”
“Okay okay. So, what kind of cat are we talking about at this point?” Holland, the scientist, would pursue the facts.
“The one at my house.” Owen said.
“And when did you get this housecat?” Holland asked.
“I didn’t get a housecat.” Owen was now reaching for another drink on the table. Anyone’s drink. More drink.
“Then what the fuck are you talking about?” Kent was getting impatient.
“This. Girl. Cat. I. Am. Fucking.” Although Owen intended to enunciate each word they sort of still dribbled together.
“Scarlett?” Renton posed, trying to clear up the confusion. Girl cat? “What does she roleplay a sexy cat for you, or something?”
“No.” Owen moaned childishly in frustration. “She’s a cat. A fucking cat that I am fucking and I like it, okay? This is why I don’t tell you all shit.” He was muttering something like ‘real nice judgmental friends I got’ into the glass he’d found.
“So a pet cat?” Always the scientist with the fact finding.
“Sure I guess yeah. Something like that.” Owen was kind of whining at that point. Frustrated with the line of questioning. Not understanding the mutual breakdown of communication. “She stays at my house all the time. Eats my food and sleeps in my clothes.” Owen offered these tidbits, thinking them helpful. It was all becoming more bizarre for the others.
“Like a stray?”
“Not really--" Owen started but was distracted by the flight of his thoughts, "You know my father would never let me feed the stray cats? We always had a dog. But, you know, I’ve been thinking about myself a lot--”
“Oh you know he’s fucked!” Renton interrupted with his outburst and drummed happily on the table with his fist. They shared a laugh at Owen’s expense while he hung there, slack jawed waiting to continue.
The group could almost predict by the ounces of liquor Owen consumed when his (air quotes) brilliant rambling monologues of self-reflections would arrive. And it was about that time.
“--And I think I’m a cat person. I mean I’m a fucking cat person. I’m a person fucking a cat person. You know? I must like cats. Maybe I love them. I think I love them. Well her. I haven't met that many like her. So mostly just her. Like sometimes she’s just sitting on my desk trying to distract me from working. Once she plopped right on my lap and demanded I pet her. Sometimes she’ll sit on the counter and eat my food. It’s cute. Oh and she purrs and it’s maddeningly sexy. I can make any woman scream, moan, whatever. But purr? Now that’s novel! And if she’s laying against me when she’s purring I can feel it vibrating in my chest. Or if she’s right up against my ear and purring right in my ear it feels fuckin’--I don’t know--I can’t describe it. You know that sensation when something tickles or makes your skin crawl but you don’t laugh because it's not exactly tickling and it makes your dick hard? Like when a woman --or man, sorry Renton-- runs fingers really lightly over your belly or blows into your ear? I like when a woman kisses my ear. But fuck that I’ll have an order of purring with a side of tail any day! Get it? Tail. ‘Cause she has a tail. But also tail like getting some ass. And I've been getting some ridiculously good ass. Anyway. Sometimes she walks past me and her tail drags along my legs you know when cats do that? They say maybe they’re marking their territory. I wouldn’t mind if that’s what she’s doing. Its hot. I kind of hope that’s what she’s doing. Marking me. Saying to everybody ‘back the fuck off this dick. It’s my dick.’ Sometimes I wonder if I’m her plaything or her companion or if I’m just the boss. I’m not sure. I like cats that way. They’re mysterious. Keeps me interested. Dogs are too eager. Too easy to please. But cats. This one. I don’t know. I’m intrigued, I guess.”
The hypomanic drunken rambling state needed redirection. Cue the scientist: “So what’s the cat’s name?”
“Oh she’s goes by lotsa names...but she lets me call her Juley-aahhna.” He emphasized her name with something like admiration in his voice. It was all very ridiculous to those who were picturing romantic or sexual or some kind of inappropriate affection with a housecat.
“Does Scarlett know about this cat?”
“Oh fuck no! And you better not tell her either. She’s gonna … I don’t know cut my dick off or something when she finds out.”
“Well yeah!” Holland agreed with the hypothesis about dick cutting. Seemed like a fitting punishment for a lover who carried on an affair with a ... pet. Pet wasn’t exactly a bad way to describe Julianna’s relationship to Owen at that juncture. But Holland was picturing a housecat so it was nonetheless very wrong imagery.
“So how does it--fit--in there? Your cock, I mean?...logistically speaking, how does this work?” Renton, the AV guy, always trying to figure out how things go together.
“What do you mean how does it work? I just put it in. I mean she’s small and everything. Smaller than me, sure. But it fits. Fits just fine.”
Kent blanched at whatever image entered his head.
A creepy silence sort of fell over the group. The men didn’t know what to make of their friend. Too much alcohol had been had by all.
“I need ‘nother drink.” Owen announced. “I’m a good person, okay? I can’t help who I love--”
Kent moved to stop Owen from heading to the bar. “No. No you aren’t. You can love cats Owen, but not like that, man. It’s fucked up. Even for you. It’s time for a sobriety test.”
“Come on I’m fine!” Owen insisted but Kent easily pulled the stumbling drunk towards the dart board.
“Put your hand up there, asshole.”
Owen complied planting his hand flat in the middle of the board. Kent's dart flew perfect to stick right in the webbing of skin between the bones of Owen’s index and middle fingers. After a delay, Owen seemed to realize the event had occurred and stared with a glazed-over look at his hand with the dart in it. 'That that would’ve been a bullseye!” Owen happily plucked the dart from his hand and sucked at the blood. The room spun and he stumbled back into the wall bracing himself with both hands.
No registration of apprehension or pain meant the sobriety test was failed.
Kent shook his head in disbelief. Or recognition. They’d all been there before. “He’s gone.”
Suddenly Owen threw the dart back at Kent who was turned away. It missed and bounced off the back of Holland’s chair. “I hate you guys.” Owen was muttering as he was trying to find his center of gravity to leave the wall. The violent stage had begun and it was well past the young assassin's bedtime.
It would be awhile before the mystery of Owen’s housecat was solved.
Bitch, I'm limited edition.
The following 1 user Likes saronym's post: megs
« Next Oldest | Next Newest »
Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 08-26-2015, 10:08 PM
Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 08-26-2015, 10:12 PM
Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 08-30-2015, 10:49 PM
Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 09-03-2015, 04:44 PM
Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 09-30-2015, 05:42 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 10-18-2015, 08:05 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 11-12-2015, 11:03 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 11-21-2015, 04:52 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 10-03-2016, 05:44 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 01-24-2016, 07:47 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 09-11-2016, 10:47 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 09-16-2016, 11:44 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 09-17-2016, 02:16 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 09-21-2016, 09:14 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 09-26-2016, 06:37 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 09-28-2016, 08:56 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 10-07-2016, 09:12 AM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 10-25-2016, 05:09 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 11-03-2016, 05:28 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 11-15-2016, 10:43 AM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 11-30-2016, 02:52 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 02-11-2017, 10:22 AM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 04-13-2017, 04:16 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 04-30-2017, 08:27 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 05-14-2017, 06:30 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 05-29-2017, 12:07 AM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 06-01-2017, 08:13 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 06-17-2017, 07:24 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 06-21-2017, 07:06 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 07-30-2017, 09:04 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 09-19-2017, 12:31 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 10-25-2017, 11:59 AM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 11-18-2017, 01:45 AM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 12-08-2017, 06:21 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 03-04-2018, 09:16 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 03-30-2018, 10:28 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 04-05-2018, 02:45 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 04-30-2018, 04:38 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 07-17-2018, 02:57 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 01-12-2019, 07:09 PM
RE: Artifacts [Read Only] - by saronym - 02-08-2019, 11:42 AM