Nobody Likes Cain:
Tales of an Awkward Misanthropic Catboy with Ailurophobia
Tales of an Awkward Misanthropic Catboy with Ailurophobia
Just as with the people Emergency Department, animal emergency medicine involves the sorting of true emergencies from the less pressing cases. The following are accountings of Cain’s experiences dealing with owners whose pets are less acute and thus find themselves able to be distracted by his physical appearance. Either that or they’re just bad pet parents and have short attention spans. The poor boy, erm man, has always been tormented by his cat features (Lynx ears and a long feline tail inherited from his mother). And it seems adulthood will offer him no respite from the intense embarrassment he experiences being a hybrid subjected to awkward questioning, stares, and presumptuous touching of his not-so-human features.
-Sneezy-
With pale eyes fixed on the brief medical history attached to the clipboard, Cain entered the examination room. He eyeballed momentarily the petite elderly woman seated on the stool and then glanced at the terrier on the examination table.
“Hello, I’m Dr. Hart. I see that --, uh, Burrito has been having some difficulty passing stool lately? Do you know when his last bowel movement was?” Cain was always one to get right down to business. No need for unnecessary prolonging of introductions. He set the clipboard on the counter to stretch the latex gloves over his fingers.
“Oh no! You won’t do! I can’t have you in here!” The lady exclaimed.
Cain’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. His sensitive feline ears rotated like satellites to the source of the grating voice. “Ma’am?”
“I can’t have you in here!” The petulant old woman replied curtly without explanation.
Cain’s ears flattened against his head, an involuntary response to aggression. “I’m...uhm…I’m sorry, what?”
“I’m allergic to cats.” She explained, her hand flew to her moth covering the orifice as if to block her airway from being assaulted by any dander coming from the doctor with cat ears and a cat tail.
“I’m a person.” His ears remained pinned to his scalp, and his tail was beginning to flick impatiently.
“But you’re also a cat.” She said gesturing to his active tail.
“No, I’m a person.” He said this less confidently. If truth be told Cain knew next to nothing about his Lynx heritage. He had shut down his mother anytime she tried to discuss it with him. He preferred to think of himself as 100% homosapien even though that was becoming increasingly difficult with certain changes occurring with his body. His vision seemed to be getting better. He would forget to turn on his headlights to drive at night because, frankly, he didn't need them. He could hear Akiko talking to people on the phone in the other room with the door closed, even though he tried not to listen. He felt stronger too. He had almost easily defeated his father, a veteran bar brawler and professional assassin, in a friendly sparring match. And there were the strange new bone formations on his latest dental x-rays. It seemed Cain was growing fangs. The dentist had stared in wonder at the scans and laughed suggesting Cain would be "teething" soon as they would certainly be pushing out his dull humanoid canines.
He couldn't begin to fathom why at 26 years old such changes were now occurring. And he hadn't bothered informing anyone close to him.
“I feel my throat closing up. I’m having difficulty breathing!” She exclaimed dramatically. She produced a blue little inhaler from her purse and puffed on it, as if that proved her claims of respiratory distress.
“Ooohkay then. I’ll see if another doctor is available.” He didn’t even bother pulling off his gloves before he retreated from the examination room into the staff hall that led to other exam rooms, radiology, and the kennels. In a fit, Cain threw the clipboard against the wall “FUCK!” He yelled loudly.
“What is it this time, Dr. Hart?” It was Indigo, the sassy little vet tech who followed him everywhere like a schoolgirl with a crush. Truth be told she did have a crush, but she wasn't any younger than Cain. And Cain didn’t mind her following him around, she was the most competent tech. Also the other techs deferred to Indigo for assisting Cain since they mostly wanted nothing to do with the grumpy, anxious new veterinarian, regardless of his good looks.
“Ask Dr. Deveaux if she’ll switch me for room 3. The owner said she’s allergic to me.”
Indigo did not bother stifling her giggle. When Cain shot her a glare, she straightened up a bit and snorted down the laughter. “Oh that bitch! Right away Dr. Hart.” She retrieved the clipboard and scurried away. "We should get your tail fur tested and see if you're hypoallergenic!" She suggested just as she was turning the corner.
-The "Educated" Guess-
Cain hesitated before entering exam room 5. The notes stated that the owner gave a poor history due to being distracted by a very active toddler who was digging in the trash can and opening the lower cabinets. The owner was also distracted by the active puppy dog that would not stay on the exam table. He sighed and opened the door. He did not become a vet because he liked people.
His assistant was already in the room waiting for him.
“Hi, I’m Dr. Hart, I’ll be examining Oscar.” He said as the toddler ran from underneath the exam table laughing hysterically at some game he was playing with his mother. He was holding a wad of gauze pillaged from one of the cabinets. “....I understand the dog got into some chemicals in the home. Can you be more specific?” Cain stretched latex gloves over his fingers and began his examination. He attempted to get a feel for the dog’s heart and lung sounds amidst the scream-laughter and opened the dog’s mouth to peer at its throat for any evidence of an abrasive chemical. Indigo stood nearby taking down notes as Cain dictated them. She didn’t need to hold the puppy still as it seemed quite sleepy now, which wasn’t the best sign.
Meanwhile, with questions unanswered, the little toddler looked up in Cain with an expression akin to divine wonderment, “WHOA MOMMY! That’s the hugest kitty cat EVER!” He screamed in delight pointing at Cain with a sticky finger.
Cain sighed heavily, he felt the dog’s stomach with probing fingers and placed his stethoscope to its soft underskin. “ Could he have ingested any acids…. anything corrosive or any caustic agents? ….Petroleum distillates? Anything of that nature?”
The mommy laughed, giving Cain a look that only mothers can give. The isn’t my moronic, sticky, ugly child the cutest most cleverest and precious angel you’ve ever seen kind of look. “No honey that’s the doctor.” The mommy corrected the boy before answering the inquisitive doctor. “Oh heavens no! With a child around?” She was almost scolding him for asking.
“Right.” Cain removed his gloves. "I think it would be safe to induce emesis." He said to Indigo. His eyes flashed over to the boy and mother, asking advice with a look. Indigo nodded agreement at his indication of the plan and marked the chart for him. As for his request for assistance handling the clients, she shrugged giving him an amused grin.
“But he’s got kitty ears like Fluffy! And a tail!” And the conversation about the freak cat doctor was continuing. Apparently they also had a cat named Fluffy.
“Yes, he does. But look he’s got two legs and a face and thumbs like people do.”
“But is he a nice kitty?”
“I’m sure he’s very nice.”
Cain was trying to ignore them and was now shining a light into the dog’s eyes. He looked concerned.
“Can I pet him then?!”
The mommy looked at Cain expectantly in a way that only mother’s can do. The way that says, you better let my precious baby angel do whatever uncomfortable and completely ludicrous thing my precious baby angel wants to do. “I’m sure he will let you if you ask him nicely.” She said as if Cain had already agreed. Who wouldn’t agree to humor a precious baby angel, after all? Surely only a monster.
“Hey Dr. Kitty man can I pet you? PUHLEASE.”
“Uhm. Well...” Cain hesitated looking quite uncomfortable his ears pinned back and tail limp. He didn’t answer the child, but switched topics awkwardly back to the canine patient, informing the mother of his findings. “By my exam, Oscar doesn’t seem in any acute distress at this time. No signs that are concerning for anything abrasive or corrosive going down, good heart sounds, but respirations are a little shallow, and he seems a bit sluggish. I don’t feel comfortable discharging him. It would be best to admit him. We can see if anything comes up on blood panels, monitor him for a 12 hour period and see how he does. I would like to induce emesis right away given his change.”
The ignored child immediately started crying with his voice alone. Nary a tear leaked from his manipulative eyes. The mommy picked the child up and gave Cain a look as if she had just seen the Devil himself in the doctor, “He’s just a child! I’m sure it wouldn’t trouble you that much to let him pet you!”
“Uhm...okay?” He was hoping satisfying the child would allow him to get permission to treat the deteriorating dog. The mother approached lifting the small boy so he could reach Cain’s head. A sticky and none too soft hand petted, or rather beat at his hair and ears frantically. “Nice Dr. Kitty man!”
Cain's ears twitched and flattened against the assault.
“I think we should go ahead and have you admit Oscar then.” The lady said as if that were a reward for Cain letting her son pet him.
With thumb and index finger the doctor removed the boy’s hand from his hair giving the mother a forced smile which was little more than an uncomfortable grimace. “Indigo. Can you get Oscar set up and get the apomorphine for me?”
“Right away Dr. Hart!” She hummed cheerfully and lifted the puppy from the table to take him into the back.
“A tech will be right back with you for the paperwork.” Cain muttered before following his assistant. Upon entering the hallway, he yelled, “FUCK ME!” and threw the clipboard with the chart.
“You should have been a radiologist or something Dr. Hart. You have really terrible people skills. You are so awkward. And that kid was really cute, too!” She chimed over her shoulder as she walked away with the puppy.
-Sex Questions-
Indigo stepped in front of an irate Dr. Hart to stop him from entering this particular owner’s room. “Cain take a moment and breathe for a second. The guy’s an idiot, we know, but you can’t go in there all grumpy cat like.” She used his first name since she was talking to him less as a professional, and more as a concerned friend. Cain sighed heavily and scrubbed a hand over his face. He neutralized the anger on his face (but not from stormy eyes) and rolled his shoulders to relax the tension. His tail, which had been twitching violently, thankfully also relaxed. Once composed, he pushed Indigo aside and entered the room. She followed.
“Alright Mr. Stuart--”
“Call me Preston, bro.”
Cain hated being interrupted, especially by an annoying frat boy whose pitt bull was in the back pitifully struggling for air because of his neglectful ass.
“Right. Preston. Anyways, I’m Dr. Hart, I’ve just come on shift. I’m taking over for Dr. Deveaux. It seems that ah--” He glanced at the chart, “Duke...has a pretty severe case of heartworms. The good news is that it’s treatable. The bad news is that many owners find the treatments...well, cost prohibitive. My assistant has printed an estimate for you. I understand there may be financing available, under...certain conditions... I can send someone in to speak with you about that.” Cain offered the paper, sincerely hoping the guy wasn’t a complete fucking douche bag.
The bro waved away the paper, “It’s no problem man. My dad agreed to pay for it. He loves that dog.”
“Okay...We’ll go ahead and treat him then.” Cain started to turn away.
“Hey dude?”
The doctor paused hand on the door, rolling his eyes before turning back to Preston, “Yes?”
Indigo nearly bumped into him, having been following so close behind.
“Dude the chicks dig the cat ears don’t they?” He was grinning like the fucking idiot he was.
He arched an eyebrow and glanced at Indigo, insinuating she might know what he was talking about.
Cain’s mouth gaped a little. He was completely thrown off. “Excuse me?”
“Like I bet you have the kinkiest sex. I mean what can that tail do to a girl? Ever do like double penetration? Use it like a French Tickler? What's the girth of that thing anyway?” The other man was sort of craning his head to get a better look at Cain’s tail which he had curled around his own leg in an attempt to hide the appendage in question.
“I’m sorry…” Cain couldn’t say why he was the one apologizing. “Is there something you wanted to talk about pertaining to your pet’s health, or..?”
“Oh uh nah man, it’s good. But seriously though, I bet you get some spankin’ tail. Get it? Tail?” He was laughing hysterically at himself now.
Cain turned on his heel and left the room without acknowledging the commentary. He threw the clipboard down at his feet with a clatter and yelled some fuck words. Indigo meanwhile was wondering the answers to those questions and peaking at the doctor’s tail for the rest of the night shift.
-Heat-
Cain wasn’t happy about having to treat a cat patient. Thankfully he had pretty much already concluded that the case was non-emergent based on the history as it said only, cat is itchy. That bit of useless information was provided by one of the interns; his favorite tech was off on this particular day.
Cain introduced himself in the regular fashion and started asking the pertinent historical questions himself, since he didn’t have a competent assistant. The owner merely looked him up and down and exclaimed: “Uh oh! You might want to watch yourself with her!” Referring to the feline patient, of course.
“I’ve been scratched, bit, kicked, puked on, bleed on, and all manner of unpleasantness by a variety of animals.” That was Cain’s best attempt at a good-natured joke for an uncooperative owner.
“No she’s in heat. She might try to back that little ass up to you. Since you know, you’re a male...well...a male...you know.”
Cain sucked at his left cheek to occupy his mouth so as to not make a rude retort. “No. I don’t know what you mean."
He spat.
"You're a male cat, right? She can probably sense your pheromones."
“I’m sure my pheromones are no more attractive to this cat than the average human male. So is she primarily an inside cat or outside?” The examination continued although Cain was markedly uncomfortable with touching the feline obviously in heat. It purred and whined at him the entire time. Not that that was out of the norm for a cat in heat, but Cain couldn’t help but wonder if the cat did desire him.
He shuddered.
When he was finally able to exit the exam room, having determined that the cat was having an allergic reaction to the new canine in the home, he threw his clipboard down the length of the hallway and muttered, “Fuck it all.” His assistant that day, an intern, was very disconcerted to be assigned to the grumpy Dr. Hart.
-Grooming Standards-
“OW! I told you to watch his head!” Cain growled as he freed his arm from an aggressive mastif’s mouth.
“Sorry! He got away from me.” Indigo huffed, she hated when Cain critiqued her. She knew he preferred to work with her and didn’t appreciate him acting like her inability to wrangle the huge dog alone was entirely her fault.
Once the dog was removed to the back for radiology, Cain returned to the room to find a very chilly owner waiting for him.
“I’d prefer it if I got a new vet to treat Hammy.”
“I’m sorry have I done something wrong, Ms. Iglesias?”
“I have a child in here!” She was indicating her barely sentient newborn sleeping peaceably in a detachable car seat. “And that tongue piercing, I saw you have, is inappropriate! Not to mention the eyebrow and nose. They are just unsightly! I can’t believe the low standard of grooming this facility allows their doctors have! Are those tattoos?”
She was indicating the colorful markings on his wrists that peaked out from under his lab coat.
“Yes ma’am.” Cain was surprisingly serene. “I apologize. I will see if there is another doctor available to at least relay the pertinent information to you.” When he and Indigo exited the examination room, she confiscated the clipboard to stop him from throwing it. To her surprise he lifted his hands palms up in a satirical worship-like posture and mouthed ‘thank you’ to nobody with his eyes closed.
“Uhm Dr. Hart? You alright?”
“For once, no cat bullshit. She didn't even notice my ears or anything! The bitch didn’t like my piercings? Guess how many fucks I give!” He sauntered away, happy. The techs marked the days on the calendar with happy cat faces in remembrance that Dr. Hart was in a good mood for an entire week after that episode.
Bitch, I'm limited edition.
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