A low pitched, keening noise spilled out from Ren's lips.
"They will disappoint you well enough on their own. Better not to give them additional opportunities. Especially people you like."
Blocks slid into their new places, the world forming a new reality around her. Not the one she knew, but an unfamiliar and terrifying one. She'd made one thousand terrible, terrible choices, one after the other, every single day. Why hadn't she told him? Why hadn't she just told him? Anyone? Why had she hid it so meticulously, without even realizing that's what she was doing?
How many times had she dodged having sex with him because she'd just been whipped and didn't want him to see? How many opportunities had she been given to say, flat out, that she wasn't being fed? The King had asked, point blank, and she'd avoided answering, because she didn't want to hear Gareth say that was what she deserved.
But he didn't. He didn't say that, because he didn't think that.
She pressed against Gareth's back, wrapping her arms around him as best she could. She didn't even have the presence of mind to be careful of his injury, not as much as she should, her chest against his back and her heart pounding in her chest behind where his should have been.
That was why she'd been so isolated. Why she rarely ever saw other people. Why she hadn't been allowed in the mess hall for meals. Why she always had the same guards. It wasn't because she was an unstable danger, it had been to keep her from talking to anyone else, any of the other prisoners--not prisoners?--and realizing what was going on. And hadn't she seen? She knew the other people there had more freedoms, had been able to go outside. They'd all seemed so much more well-adjusted. She'd thought those were all the things Gareth had talked about earning. But it had all been one elaborate lie, held together with twine and her own inability to talk about what was fucking bothering her.
She shuddered against Gareth's back as the last of reality snapped into its shiny new place.
"I never wanted to kill you," she insisted, shaking against his back. "You were th' only thing that made it worth gettin' through each day. Even when I wanted t' die, I didn't... I never..." Until she'd thought he'd sold her up the river to the King, and even then... The incongruities between how Gareth acted and how she was treated. She'd thought he was a hypocrite who thought anything was justified if it happened to a prisoner.
"I get it now. I should have figured it out months ago, when you were so freaked out by th' thought that people were forcin' me. Why would you mind that and not mind everythin' else? I should have put it together. I should've just said somethin'. Anythin'. I should've realized when Thran... Why would that be the line drawn in th' sand, but everythin' that was happenin' to me be okay? I'm an idiot."
She was an idiot. But this changed things. This changed all the things.
...how much did the King know? Would this change his plans to kill her? But... no. She'd escaped. She was still his property, he'd said that himself plenty of times, in front of Gareth, so it had to be true. It had to be the way things actually were. And right now, her rats were probably wrecking mayhem in the castle. Noooot something she'd be forgiven for. The King's desire to kill her: that was real. He'd certainly threatened it enough.
"This is th' dumbest, most fucked up thing that's ever happened to anyone," she declared. She didn't even really understand why it had been done. Just to kill Gareth? Why would anyone ever hate someone else that much? Enough to pull her into it? Enough to risk the King's wrath?
As her mind calmed down from all the screaming, trying to think, she became aware of several things.
"Gareth, don't panic, but there's like at least a hundred rats in yer house right now." He was bound to notice sooner or later. "Also, I'm an idiot, and yer still hurt." She... she needed to finish bandaging him.
She didn't want to let him go.
She nuzzled against the back of his shoulder, wondering if his heat would ever be enough to chase away how cold she felt. "There's a lot I still don't understand, but we... I gotta... I gotta make sure you don't die. Yer not allowed to die, cause yer th' only good thing that's ever happened." Not just to her, but in general, probably. "Then we can sort all of this out an' you can explain why anyone in th' world would want you dead that much an' we can figure out the funniest way t' kill Colin, an' I can tell you that I love you and that I have a plan, but first... First, you gotta be okay. Please be okay. I need you t'be okay."
"They will disappoint you well enough on their own. Better not to give them additional opportunities. Especially people you like."
Blocks slid into their new places, the world forming a new reality around her. Not the one she knew, but an unfamiliar and terrifying one. She'd made one thousand terrible, terrible choices, one after the other, every single day. Why hadn't she told him? Why hadn't she just told him? Anyone? Why had she hid it so meticulously, without even realizing that's what she was doing?
How many times had she dodged having sex with him because she'd just been whipped and didn't want him to see? How many opportunities had she been given to say, flat out, that she wasn't being fed? The King had asked, point blank, and she'd avoided answering, because she didn't want to hear Gareth say that was what she deserved.
But he didn't. He didn't say that, because he didn't think that.
She pressed against Gareth's back, wrapping her arms around him as best she could. She didn't even have the presence of mind to be careful of his injury, not as much as she should, her chest against his back and her heart pounding in her chest behind where his should have been.
That was why she'd been so isolated. Why she rarely ever saw other people. Why she hadn't been allowed in the mess hall for meals. Why she always had the same guards. It wasn't because she was an unstable danger, it had been to keep her from talking to anyone else, any of the other prisoners--not prisoners?--and realizing what was going on. And hadn't she seen? She knew the other people there had more freedoms, had been able to go outside. They'd all seemed so much more well-adjusted. She'd thought those were all the things Gareth had talked about earning. But it had all been one elaborate lie, held together with twine and her own inability to talk about what was fucking bothering her.
She shuddered against Gareth's back as the last of reality snapped into its shiny new place.
"I never wanted to kill you," she insisted, shaking against his back. "You were th' only thing that made it worth gettin' through each day. Even when I wanted t' die, I didn't... I never..." Until she'd thought he'd sold her up the river to the King, and even then... The incongruities between how Gareth acted and how she was treated. She'd thought he was a hypocrite who thought anything was justified if it happened to a prisoner.
"I get it now. I should have figured it out months ago, when you were so freaked out by th' thought that people were forcin' me. Why would you mind that and not mind everythin' else? I should have put it together. I should've just said somethin'. Anythin'. I should've realized when Thran... Why would that be the line drawn in th' sand, but everythin' that was happenin' to me be okay? I'm an idiot."
She was an idiot. But this changed things. This changed all the things.
...how much did the King know? Would this change his plans to kill her? But... no. She'd escaped. She was still his property, he'd said that himself plenty of times, in front of Gareth, so it had to be true. It had to be the way things actually were. And right now, her rats were probably wrecking mayhem in the castle. Noooot something she'd be forgiven for. The King's desire to kill her: that was real. He'd certainly threatened it enough.
"This is th' dumbest, most fucked up thing that's ever happened to anyone," she declared. She didn't even really understand why it had been done. Just to kill Gareth? Why would anyone ever hate someone else that much? Enough to pull her into it? Enough to risk the King's wrath?
As her mind calmed down from all the screaming, trying to think, she became aware of several things.
"Gareth, don't panic, but there's like at least a hundred rats in yer house right now." He was bound to notice sooner or later. "Also, I'm an idiot, and yer still hurt." She... she needed to finish bandaging him.
She didn't want to let him go.
She nuzzled against the back of his shoulder, wondering if his heat would ever be enough to chase away how cold she felt. "There's a lot I still don't understand, but we... I gotta... I gotta make sure you don't die. Yer not allowed to die, cause yer th' only good thing that's ever happened." Not just to her, but in general, probably. "Then we can sort all of this out an' you can explain why anyone in th' world would want you dead that much an' we can figure out the funniest way t' kill Colin, an' I can tell you that I love you and that I have a plan, but first... First, you gotta be okay. Please be okay. I need you t'be okay."
The following 2 users Like SolitareLee's post: liarliaronapyre, Tindome
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Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-01-2019, 11:13 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-01-2019, 12:23 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-01-2019, 01:27 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-01-2019, 02:24 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-01-2019, 03:02 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-01-2019, 03:23 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-01-2019, 05:22 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-01-2019, 10:06 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-01-2019, 10:47 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-02-2019, 02:41 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-02-2019, 06:36 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-02-2019, 08:55 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-02-2019, 09:16 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-02-2019, 09:34 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-02-2019, 10:05 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-02-2019, 10:54 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-02-2019, 11:10 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-02-2019, 11:46 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-02-2019, 12:01 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-02-2019, 12:55 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-02-2019, 01:15 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-02-2019, 02:33 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-02-2019, 02:56 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-02-2019, 03:25 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-02-2019, 03:40 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-02-2019, 04:10 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-02-2019, 04:37 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-02-2019, 11:14 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-03-2019, 12:11 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-03-2019, 04:36 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-03-2019, 07:06 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-03-2019, 10:38 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-03-2019, 11:11 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-03-2019, 11:44 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-03-2019, 12:07 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-03-2019, 01:06 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-03-2019, 01:32 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-03-2019, 02:02 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-03-2019, 02:30 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-04-2019, 01:15 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-04-2019, 01:42 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-04-2019, 02:22 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-04-2019, 02:58 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-04-2019, 06:11 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-04-2019, 07:34 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-04-2019, 08:38 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-04-2019, 09:01 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-04-2019, 10:01 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-04-2019, 10:53 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-04-2019, 11:23 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-04-2019, 12:51 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-04-2019, 02:21 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-04-2019, 02:39 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-05-2019, 03:15 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-05-2019, 03:33 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-06-2019, 05:29 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-06-2019, 08:02 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-07-2019, 11:55 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-07-2019, 02:09 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-08-2019, 05:17 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-08-2019, 07:28 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-08-2019, 08:12 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-08-2019, 08:58 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-08-2019, 02:13 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-08-2019, 06:33 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-09-2019, 05:45 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-09-2019, 07:23 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-09-2019, 08:28 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-09-2019, 09:04 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-09-2019, 09:35 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-09-2019, 09:55 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-09-2019, 11:59 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-09-2019, 12:20 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-09-2019, 01:25 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-09-2019, 01:52 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-10-2019, 12:42 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-10-2019, 01:18 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-11-2019, 07:35 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-11-2019, 08:23 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-11-2019, 10:52 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-11-2019, 11:11 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-11-2019, 11:58 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-12-2019, 12:39 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-12-2019, 04:20 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-12-2019, 05:33 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-13-2019, 09:54 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-13-2019, 10:14 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-13-2019, 02:46 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-13-2019, 03:00 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-14-2019, 10:58 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-14-2019, 11:19 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-14-2019, 12:50 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-14-2019, 01:13 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-14-2019, 03:57 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-14-2019, 04:21 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-15-2019, 02:42 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-15-2019, 03:17 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-16-2019, 11:18 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-16-2019, 11:42 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-18-2019, 03:08 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-18-2019, 03:28 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-19-2019, 03:17 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-19-2019, 03:47 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-20-2019, 11:26 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-20-2019, 11:50 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-20-2019, 01:25 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-20-2019, 01:58 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-20-2019, 05:13 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-20-2019, 05:27 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-21-2019, 01:23 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-21-2019, 01:52 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-25-2019, 02:38 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-25-2019, 02:54 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-27-2019, 01:23 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-27-2019, 02:20 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-28-2019, 01:11 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-28-2019, 01:36 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-28-2019, 09:55 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-28-2019, 10:28 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-28-2019, 11:27 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-28-2019, 11:38 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-28-2019, 03:16 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-28-2019, 03:52 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-29-2019, 03:06 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-29-2019, 03:26 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-29-2019, 05:59 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-29-2019, 06:39 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-29-2019, 07:26 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-29-2019, 09:11 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-29-2019, 02:49 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-29-2019, 03:06 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-29-2019, 03:51 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-29-2019, 04:20 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-30-2019, 04:45 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-30-2019, 05:40 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-30-2019, 07:37 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-30-2019, 07:56 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-30-2019, 09:45 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-30-2019, 11:03 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-30-2019, 01:27 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-30-2019, 01:43 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 01-01-2020, 01:56 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 01-01-2020, 02:12 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 01-02-2020, 01:23 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 01-02-2020, 01:51 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 01-02-2020, 02:23 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 01-02-2020, 02:40 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 01-02-2020, 03:27 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 01-02-2020, 03:45 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 01-03-2020, 06:38 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 01-03-2020, 07:03 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 01-03-2020, 08:21 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 01-03-2020, 11:15 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 01-03-2020, 12:39 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 01-03-2020, 12:58 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 01-05-2020, 10:59 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 01-05-2020, 11:10 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 01-05-2020, 03:04 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 01-05-2020, 03:20 PM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by Tindome - 01-31-2020, 11:34 AM
RE: Beg Forgiveness [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 01-31-2020, 03:27 PM