A staccato kind of ‘hm’ was the only response he gave in reference to Julianna’s revelation that the children fought viciously. Owen allowed Julianna to move his hand and arm however she saw fit as most comfortable. He preferred the skin to skin contact of her face pressed to his arm.
Owen was settling into the pillow above her head but froze any snuggling movements when she asked the question. The dreaded question.
He didn’t know how to answer it. That wasn’t accurate. He knew and remembered every moment of that night, he just didn’t know how he would be able to tell it to her.
He started with the simplest explanation. “I was shot.” His eyes were still closed but he opened them when he said it. He could see the shape of Julianna’s ears in the darkness and his arm stretching out in front of him underneath her head. “I don’t know what you remember of that day. Anita was taken. I was contacted by her abductor. They asked me to come to a site to get her.”
The simplest words were all he needed to get started. “I drove out there and met Katanya. Do you remember her? She said she had the team together. She told me. I believed her. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have ever trusted her… or anyone. I should have let you go with me. I should have -”
All of the times he had played the night over in his mind Owen had figured out all of the holes, all of the mistakes he had made. And he found many and kept finding more.
“It was a missile silo being built into a mountain. The project was on hold…” The way the memories came to him came directly out of his mouth without concern for chronological narrative. “I went to the second floor on the east wing entrance. I had my weapon at the ready. I cleared the stairwell. I cleared the first and second landings. On the second one I could hear her. Anita, she was crying. I trusted the information Katanya gave. She was right second floor, third room a perfect holding cell for a hostage. I cleared the hall. I went too fast. I was too eager. I should have slowed down - but, she was crying, Julianna, you know? We never let them cry. We never let them cry; we always soothed them.
He paused, thinking. His voice was quiet when he began again, just barely loud enough to vibrate his vocal chords, just enough to resonate in his chest.
“I opened the door. There were five armed men. Anita was in the middle of the room in a chair. She was holding her arm to her. Her fingers - they were mangled and blue and swollen - I went too fast. I should have slowed down. I kept thinking about her being permanently damaged. Her fingers were so little you know? And going in the wrong direction. She called for me, she tried to come to me. The man closest to her grabbed her. Snatched her and shoved her back. She was so - little. Like a little doll to him. I wanted to shoot him so fucking badly. I asked them how we were going to settle it. I radioed for Katanya.”
He stopped again, remembering how puzzled he was. “Katanya answered me, from right behind me? She was behind me. She wasn’t supposed to - she instructed me to disarm myself. I shouldn’t have. I told Anita it was going to be okay. I showed them my hands.” He untangled his fingers from hers to stretch his hand palm out as he did that night.
“I was shoved against the wall and they patted me down. I told Anita it was going to be okay. I asked Katanya what was happening. Katanya dismissed them. The guys didn’t want to go but she made them. I knew she was going to kill me. I knew. I knew it. She let me hold Anita for a little bit. She was inconsolable until I put my jacket on her. I told her to behave and do what was told of her. I told her not to cry that it was over and we were going home. I was right behind her. They took her from the room and it was just me and Kat. I shouldn't have let Anita go. I should have held on to her. She wouldn't have shot me if I was holding on to that child. But I - just couldn't risk it. I couldn't use Anita that way...and so it was just Kat and I. She was trembling and pointing that gun at me. She told me to turn around. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t do it. I begged her, Julianna. I reminded her that I had you and the kids. And that she didn’t want to hurt you and them that way. She couldn’t hurt me in a vacuum. I told her we could help her. You and I, together. She could have taken political refugee status in the isles. That we could do that for her. She screamed at me to shut up. I knew she didn’t want to do it. I knew it. I could see it. Just like you see rookies hesitating. So I risked it - I shouldn’t have. I took a step forward. It was too fast. It was just one step. I was trying to ask her to put the gun down so we could talk about it. I had my hand out. I shouldn’t have. She shot me. One, two. Quick shots.” His fingers had formed into a gun that kicked in time with his counts.
“It was reactionary. I gave her the reason to. I fed her the motivation she couldn’t find just a moment before. I should have been more docile with her. I was too threatening. I should have been more careful. The first one hit me in the chest, the second in the shoulder when I went down. I couldn’t breathe. It punctured my lung I think. I think she sobbed. She knew I was suffering. That she hadn’t done it right. That wasn’t the way you executed someone. You shoot them in the head. That’s the way you do it. Right between the eyes. I couldn’t hear well, maybe she was just breathing heavy, my ears were ringing from the shots. ”
His hand fell to the bed, limp. “I don’t know how long it took me to die. It was very hard to think straight. I was just scared, I think. Just terrified. I remember there was this one time I was driving with my dad somewhere and this dog jumped out and just - he couldn’t stop, you know? He just hit this poor dog. And we got out and it was laying there bleeding on the road. He told me to stay back. It was bad. But I looked, anyways. Of course I looked. Its eyes were so wide and they rolled in this just sick way and looked at me. It was straining to look at me. I felt like I was looking at terror. That was what terror looked like. You know? A thing dying and knowing it was dying. I thought about that and I thought about how pathetic I must have looked just bleeding on that stupid linoleum floor. Wide-eyed and foolish like that dumb dog that jumped out in front of us.”
“And that was it. I was shot.”
He concluded the same way he began.
Owen was settling into the pillow above her head but froze any snuggling movements when she asked the question. The dreaded question.
He didn’t know how to answer it. That wasn’t accurate. He knew and remembered every moment of that night, he just didn’t know how he would be able to tell it to her.
He started with the simplest explanation. “I was shot.” His eyes were still closed but he opened them when he said it. He could see the shape of Julianna’s ears in the darkness and his arm stretching out in front of him underneath her head. “I don’t know what you remember of that day. Anita was taken. I was contacted by her abductor. They asked me to come to a site to get her.”
The simplest words were all he needed to get started. “I drove out there and met Katanya. Do you remember her? She said she had the team together. She told me. I believed her. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have ever trusted her… or anyone. I should have let you go with me. I should have -”
All of the times he had played the night over in his mind Owen had figured out all of the holes, all of the mistakes he had made. And he found many and kept finding more.
“It was a missile silo being built into a mountain. The project was on hold…” The way the memories came to him came directly out of his mouth without concern for chronological narrative. “I went to the second floor on the east wing entrance. I had my weapon at the ready. I cleared the stairwell. I cleared the first and second landings. On the second one I could hear her. Anita, she was crying. I trusted the information Katanya gave. She was right second floor, third room a perfect holding cell for a hostage. I cleared the hall. I went too fast. I was too eager. I should have slowed down - but, she was crying, Julianna, you know? We never let them cry. We never let them cry; we always soothed them.
He paused, thinking. His voice was quiet when he began again, just barely loud enough to vibrate his vocal chords, just enough to resonate in his chest.
“I opened the door. There were five armed men. Anita was in the middle of the room in a chair. She was holding her arm to her. Her fingers - they were mangled and blue and swollen - I went too fast. I should have slowed down. I kept thinking about her being permanently damaged. Her fingers were so little you know? And going in the wrong direction. She called for me, she tried to come to me. The man closest to her grabbed her. Snatched her and shoved her back. She was so - little. Like a little doll to him. I wanted to shoot him so fucking badly. I asked them how we were going to settle it. I radioed for Katanya.”
He stopped again, remembering how puzzled he was. “Katanya answered me, from right behind me? She was behind me. She wasn’t supposed to - she instructed me to disarm myself. I shouldn’t have. I told Anita it was going to be okay. I showed them my hands.” He untangled his fingers from hers to stretch his hand palm out as he did that night.
“I was shoved against the wall and they patted me down. I told Anita it was going to be okay. I asked Katanya what was happening. Katanya dismissed them. The guys didn’t want to go but she made them. I knew she was going to kill me. I knew. I knew it. She let me hold Anita for a little bit. She was inconsolable until I put my jacket on her. I told her to behave and do what was told of her. I told her not to cry that it was over and we were going home. I was right behind her. They took her from the room and it was just me and Kat. I shouldn't have let Anita go. I should have held on to her. She wouldn't have shot me if I was holding on to that child. But I - just couldn't risk it. I couldn't use Anita that way...and so it was just Kat and I. She was trembling and pointing that gun at me. She told me to turn around. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t do it. I begged her, Julianna. I reminded her that I had you and the kids. And that she didn’t want to hurt you and them that way. She couldn’t hurt me in a vacuum. I told her we could help her. You and I, together. She could have taken political refugee status in the isles. That we could do that for her. She screamed at me to shut up. I knew she didn’t want to do it. I knew it. I could see it. Just like you see rookies hesitating. So I risked it - I shouldn’t have. I took a step forward. It was too fast. It was just one step. I was trying to ask her to put the gun down so we could talk about it. I had my hand out. I shouldn’t have. She shot me. One, two. Quick shots.” His fingers had formed into a gun that kicked in time with his counts.
“It was reactionary. I gave her the reason to. I fed her the motivation she couldn’t find just a moment before. I should have been more docile with her. I was too threatening. I should have been more careful. The first one hit me in the chest, the second in the shoulder when I went down. I couldn’t breathe. It punctured my lung I think. I think she sobbed. She knew I was suffering. That she hadn’t done it right. That wasn’t the way you executed someone. You shoot them in the head. That’s the way you do it. Right between the eyes. I couldn’t hear well, maybe she was just breathing heavy, my ears were ringing from the shots. ”
His hand fell to the bed, limp. “I don’t know how long it took me to die. It was very hard to think straight. I was just scared, I think. Just terrified. I remember there was this one time I was driving with my dad somewhere and this dog jumped out and just - he couldn’t stop, you know? He just hit this poor dog. And we got out and it was laying there bleeding on the road. He told me to stay back. It was bad. But I looked, anyways. Of course I looked. Its eyes were so wide and they rolled in this just sick way and looked at me. It was straining to look at me. I felt like I was looking at terror. That was what terror looked like. You know? A thing dying and knowing it was dying. I thought about that and I thought about how pathetic I must have looked just bleeding on that stupid linoleum floor. Wide-eyed and foolish like that dumb dog that jumped out in front of us.”
“And that was it. I was shot.”
He concluded the same way he began.
Bitch, I'm limited edition.
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