She could not believe she had nearly just talked the King into murdering her. She also couldn't believe she was still alive despite herself.
She wilted under his scorn, mostly because he was... kind of right. She was a contradiction in all of her parts, and she felt it stinging every day. There was nothing more stupid than a dangerous thing trying to be good, and everyone around her, even Gareth, could see that. They knew she was inherently bad and inherently dangerous. Hadn't she always heard as much? She just hadn't wanted to believe it.
Not only was he right about that, but he was right about her fear-based incompetence. From the day she'd been arrested, she was reacting. The most active thing she'd done was plan her escape, and even that was just her trying to get back the status quo that had been taken from her. But she didn't know what else to do. She didn't know how to be better hungry and bleeding.
Was Gareth right? If she played the game long enough, would she slowly gain back freedoms? Was Colin right? If she gave up, would it stop hurting? Could she bear to? Would it be better to keep trying to run until the King killed her? Were they all the same thing?
"I don't understand," she said quietly, after too long in silence, willing herself not to shed a single tear. She was coming to detest being 'fragile.' "Any of it, startin' with why any of you want me t'begin with." Why she was even worth going to this effort for, when she wasn't really allowed to do anything that any commonplace mechanic couldn't do, surely. She didn't understand why Avi wanted her and didn't understand why Gareth fussed after her. She didn't understand what she had that was valuable when the things she valued herself for were the reasons she had been brought low when she'd already thought she was about as low as one could get. "Y'never kill me when I think yer gonna, either."
She took a deep breath, and made a decision. Of a sort. "Don't give me th' map, and don't give me gold. I fucked up today, an' I don't deserve either back. If yer gonna give me anythin', tell me how I can start makin' tonight up t'you." The first and most simple step forward was an attempt to walk back to where she'd been. The worst he could say was that there was nothing to be done. She wouldn't be any worse off for asking. If she could just make herself believe she wouldn't be any worse off for asking, maybe she could ask other people other things, as well.
As for the rest... Well, she could puzzle that over later. She didn't have that much time, but at least of what she did have, such a large portion of it could be dedicated to just thinking.
The King, by Bridget's gander, was much better at being a person than her. He'd been doing it at least three years longer, even if you only counted his time trying to engage with a society. If he had weird ideas about what it was to be a person, well, at least he had ideas. She could edit them out if she found any objectionable, surely.
Bridget watched with delight as Gareth chased Declan around. It was hard not to join in. She chased them down to the river, and watched as he canonballed into the water, Declan yelping the whole way in.
Ah, fuck, why not give misery some more company.
She took a running leap, jumping up to catch a tree branch before swinging herself over the water. Her limbs flailed wildly in the air before they transformed into a wolf's, fur replacing clothing a foot before she hit the water's surface, creating a splash large enough to re-soak anyone who'd managed to stand up. She let out a damp howl of delight as she surfaced, doggy-paddling over towards Declan and Gareth. Of course, they didn't have any way to keep their clothes dry while doing this like she did, but still, it was the thought that counted.
She wilted under his scorn, mostly because he was... kind of right. She was a contradiction in all of her parts, and she felt it stinging every day. There was nothing more stupid than a dangerous thing trying to be good, and everyone around her, even Gareth, could see that. They knew she was inherently bad and inherently dangerous. Hadn't she always heard as much? She just hadn't wanted to believe it.
Not only was he right about that, but he was right about her fear-based incompetence. From the day she'd been arrested, she was reacting. The most active thing she'd done was plan her escape, and even that was just her trying to get back the status quo that had been taken from her. But she didn't know what else to do. She didn't know how to be better hungry and bleeding.
Was Gareth right? If she played the game long enough, would she slowly gain back freedoms? Was Colin right? If she gave up, would it stop hurting? Could she bear to? Would it be better to keep trying to run until the King killed her? Were they all the same thing?
"I don't understand," she said quietly, after too long in silence, willing herself not to shed a single tear. She was coming to detest being 'fragile.' "Any of it, startin' with why any of you want me t'begin with." Why she was even worth going to this effort for, when she wasn't really allowed to do anything that any commonplace mechanic couldn't do, surely. She didn't understand why Avi wanted her and didn't understand why Gareth fussed after her. She didn't understand what she had that was valuable when the things she valued herself for were the reasons she had been brought low when she'd already thought she was about as low as one could get. "Y'never kill me when I think yer gonna, either."
She took a deep breath, and made a decision. Of a sort. "Don't give me th' map, and don't give me gold. I fucked up today, an' I don't deserve either back. If yer gonna give me anythin', tell me how I can start makin' tonight up t'you." The first and most simple step forward was an attempt to walk back to where she'd been. The worst he could say was that there was nothing to be done. She wouldn't be any worse off for asking. If she could just make herself believe she wouldn't be any worse off for asking, maybe she could ask other people other things, as well.
As for the rest... Well, she could puzzle that over later. She didn't have that much time, but at least of what she did have, such a large portion of it could be dedicated to just thinking.
The King, by Bridget's gander, was much better at being a person than her. He'd been doing it at least three years longer, even if you only counted his time trying to engage with a society. If he had weird ideas about what it was to be a person, well, at least he had ideas. She could edit them out if she found any objectionable, surely.
Bridget watched with delight as Gareth chased Declan around. It was hard not to join in. She chased them down to the river, and watched as he canonballed into the water, Declan yelping the whole way in.
Ah, fuck, why not give misery some more company.
She took a running leap, jumping up to catch a tree branch before swinging herself over the water. Her limbs flailed wildly in the air before they transformed into a wolf's, fur replacing clothing a foot before she hit the water's surface, creating a splash large enough to re-soak anyone who'd managed to stand up. She let out a damp howl of delight as she surfaced, doggy-paddling over towards Declan and Gareth. Of course, they didn't have any way to keep their clothes dry while doing this like she did, but still, it was the thought that counted.
The following 2 users Like SolitareLee's post: liarliaronapyre, Tindome
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Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-05-2019, 06:20 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-05-2019, 06:41 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-05-2019, 07:11 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-05-2019, 07:37 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-05-2019, 07:59 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-06-2019, 03:30 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-06-2019, 04:36 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-06-2019, 07:10 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-06-2019, 08:24 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-06-2019, 09:27 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-06-2019, 09:58 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-06-2019, 10:42 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-06-2019, 11:19 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-06-2019, 12:00 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-06-2019, 12:39 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-06-2019, 01:37 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-06-2019, 02:31 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-06-2019, 03:32 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-06-2019, 04:13 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-06-2019, 11:22 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-07-2019, 05:25 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-07-2019, 08:51 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-07-2019, 09:48 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-07-2019, 12:11 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-07-2019, 01:03 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-08-2019, 02:11 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-08-2019, 03:29 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-08-2019, 04:52 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-08-2019, 05:21 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-09-2019, 03:53 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-09-2019, 04:29 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-10-2019, 11:08 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-10-2019, 11:32 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-10-2019, 04:34 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-10-2019, 05:19 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-11-2019, 01:09 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-11-2019, 03:49 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-11-2019, 06:07 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-11-2019, 07:35 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-11-2019, 10:08 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-11-2019, 11:03 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-11-2019, 04:17 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-11-2019, 04:56 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-12-2019, 04:23 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-12-2019, 06:42 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-12-2019, 11:02 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-12-2019, 11:42 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-22-2019, 02:14 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-22-2019, 03:07 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-22-2019, 10:42 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-22-2019, 11:50 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-22-2019, 02:16 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-22-2019, 02:52 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-22-2019, 03:59 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-22-2019, 05:02 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-23-2019, 01:59 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-23-2019, 02:37 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-23-2019, 03:42 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-23-2019, 05:47 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-23-2019, 10:50 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-23-2019, 11:42 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-23-2019, 01:37 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-23-2019, 02:09 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-23-2019, 03:02 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-23-2019, 03:24 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-23-2019, 04:58 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-23-2019, 05:31 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-24-2019, 11:10 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-24-2019, 11:59 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-24-2019, 01:44 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-24-2019, 02:26 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-24-2019, 11:39 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-25-2019, 12:24 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-25-2019, 09:09 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-25-2019, 09:41 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-25-2019, 12:02 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-25-2019, 12:33 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-25-2019, 03:11 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-25-2019, 03:39 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-25-2019, 11:43 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-26-2019, 06:35 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-26-2019, 01:02 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-26-2019, 01:50 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-26-2019, 03:39 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-26-2019, 04:09 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-27-2019, 04:17 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-27-2019, 07:50 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-27-2019, 03:40 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-27-2019, 04:27 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-28-2019, 10:20 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-28-2019, 10:57 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-28-2019, 01:45 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-28-2019, 02:20 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-29-2019, 06:33 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-29-2019, 07:42 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-29-2019, 08:30 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-29-2019, 08:41 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-29-2019, 09:54 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-29-2019, 10:38 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-29-2019, 12:01 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-29-2019, 12:21 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-29-2019, 01:10 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-29-2019, 01:29 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-29-2019, 01:47 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-29-2019, 02:17 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-29-2019, 02:35 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-29-2019, 02:54 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-29-2019, 04:07 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-29-2019, 04:33 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-29-2019, 04:59 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-29-2019, 05:14 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-29-2019, 11:46 PM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-30-2019, 12:19 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-30-2019, 04:25 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-30-2019, 05:05 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-30-2019, 09:59 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-30-2019, 10:12 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 11-30-2019, 10:29 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 11-30-2019, 10:54 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-01-2019, 06:15 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-01-2019, 06:47 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-01-2019, 08:10 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-01-2019, 08:27 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by Tindome - 12-01-2019, 09:11 AM
RE: Beg Off [Closed] - by SolitareLee - 12-01-2019, 09:25 AM